I’m feeling emotionally lost.
Cyberpunk 2077 is one of the most beautiful games I’ve seen to date. From the evening skyline, to the desert sunrise, to the New York-like cityscape that is the fictional Night City, and the dusty Californa-esque countryside, it is a joy to see the sights and explore. This is one of the few game engines that I’ve experienced the “witching hour” almost perfectly recreated. That period right before sunrise or sunset when the light gains an eerie beauty which photographers find irresistible. All of this bucolic and picturesque scenery is punctuated by gang fights, turf wars, and litter. It’s a simultaneously joyous and depressing experience. I don’t feel like I’ve had this much emotional connection with a game.
I just completed the lakeside cottage “quest” and it left me lonely and sort of depressed. Maybe it’s because my significant other and I are separated by an ocean, or maybe just because it's a sort of bitter-sweet interaction that reflects a lot of real life feelings and frustrations.
Judy (a Non-Player Character or NPC) and I went for a dive to explore the place where she grew up. A town that was drowned to make way for a hydro-electric dam. It was romantic, exploring her memories of childhood, but toward the end of the exploration I suffered an attack of the psychic pain of the slow inevitable death at the hands of an invading personality that is slowly supplanting my personality. I lost consciousness. She somehow got me out of the water and had real worry on her face as she looked down into my eyes as I lay recovering from the blackout. We spent the night together.
In the morning we talked about what happened, what I was hoping would happen. Was it a one night thing, or the start of something bigger? I said that I was hoping it would be the start of a relationship. She said she was hoping that I would say that.
But I’m dying. (It’s a major part of the overarching plot.) I know she knows it but there isn’t any dialog about my inevitable decline. Or any option for that matter. There isn’t any option to say goodbye to Judy. She just says, “here, have the keys to my apartment, I’m going to stay here for a bit.” So I said see you later. She didn’t respond. I felt lost, there wasn’t any way to talk to her further at this juncture. No dialog option to kiss her goodbye or acknowledge her or get her to acknowledge me. She just silently sat watching the sunrise over the lake.
Isn’t this the way of love in the real world? A sort of not knowing how the other person feels about you, the only thing you have to go on is what they say and their actions. You can’t ever know. Just like real life, this facsimile of a relationship is frustrating as hell. You can’t question sometimes, can’t get a person to speak if they don’t want to. So, in that way the relationship with Judy, an NPC, is sort of like life outside of the game world. It felt sort of sad and I re-lived the bitter-sweet pangs of wondering how things will work out for us. It is just a game after all, and she is a NPC, but I still have some feelings for her. I know it’s just a game logically… Isn’t it?
Postscript: I’ve read other accounts of people being emotionally affected by this game, so I’m not alone in the emotional connection. The main story is also fraught with decisions that feel very emotional and weighty. The other people say they’ve never felt quite this way about a game.
I think the operative word here is “game”. It may have many similarities to life but it is still a game. Can this game be used to improve your actual life? Aaron, are you playing any musical instruments now?